We, the people of Gaza, have repeatedly been threatened. We have been threatened with being “cleaned out,” subject to mass murder, and facing “all hell breaking loose” on us.
The truth is that hell has already broken out for us. From October 7, 2023, to January 19, 2025, I, along with two million other Palestinians in Gaza, managed to survive the genocidal wwand.
If I’m honest, I simply did not survive by surviving. No, I lived by putting an “f” in life and retaining “lie” in it.
My fragile existence was more sustained by the more I lied to myself.
The first self-libel I ever told is still with me. The genocide occurred much earlier.
After the Israeli aggression in Gaza in 2008-2009, I said to myself, “I’ll never see something like that.” A naive little lie was told. I witnessed war again in 2012, and again in 2014, and again in 2021, and yet again in May 2023.
I gave my mother a hug on October 7, 2023, as Israeli fighter jets indiscriminately bombed Gaza.
This was going to be the end of our miserable lives, I told her and myself in the end. In the course of the following, I believed we would all pass away. She was crying because she felt the same way.
But how can one accept that their death is on the verge of being certain? By nature, people want to live. So I resorted to making up lies to myself.
I lied when Israel bombed the Baptist Hospital on October 17, injuring hundreds of people, shortly after. I vowed that the world would rise up for Gaza and that Israeli fighter jets would not be able to stop bombing it once more. It was a short-lived lie, to be sure. Israel’s bombardment only increased, leading to more genocidal casualties.
I promised myself that it would be a few days before I would return when Israel forcibly displaced me in December of that year. I promised myself that I wouldn’t be displaced once more when I came back in May 2024.
I promised myself that the world would not let them starve us when I returned from my seventh forced displacement in September 2024. But it succeeded. My family and I ate bread, zaatar, and a few cans of tuna we saved from our time spent in al-Mawasi, where we spent weeks.
However, the ceasefire phase one took effect when I told the worst lie to myself. I muttered, “This is it.” What else can Israel do that it hasn’t already done in the military to put an end to the genocide? We have experienced horror and torture of all kinds”!
But I was completely aware of my own lies.
Like so many people in Gaza, I was aware that the decision must be made between Israel and how to carry out the genocide.
We soon learned that it was coming before long. Israel halted all aid immediately following the start of the Ramadan, causing yet another famine. We were awakened by the sound of massive bombardment two weeks later, instead of the call for suicide.
In just a few hours, more than 400 people were massacred, including at least 100 children.
So it’s only the question of when, but how, does it still be, now. How many more children will Israel kill to bring about the alleged “total” victory? How long will it take them to “finish the job” this time? How much suffering and horror will we have to endure? And how will this time pass?
I haven’t figured out why I even survived 15 months of Israel’s genocidal war because it keeps surprising me with how much evil it has in store. I mean, is this it? The genocide’s final stages? Resuming the assault while preventing access to any aid and obstructing electricity and water? Israel may, in my opinion, continue to advance.
This round of attacks will continue until the Israeli government recovers their captives, according to the Israeli government. What purpose did the ceasefire serve if that was the case? A break from the murderers’ deaths?
The world is still issuing empty condemnations and not acting in the meantime. I have stopped counting the number that has fallen behind us so many times. The least it can do is prevent taking our suffering and suffering for granted, as if we were created with it or were constantly conditioned to suffer.
Given the severe torment I’ve been through, and the fact that I was raised amid wars and managed to survive 15 months of genocide, surprised that I haven’t gained an immunity to fear. I’m still worried about what will come next.
I want to be truthful to myself as I face death once more. I want to claim that I deserve a life that is significantly better than what Israel has oppressively imposed upon me. I deserve a boring, unfunny, secure life that is free of bombs, starvation, and unfathomable loss.
I want to live rather than lie any longer.
Source: Aljazeera
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