‘I love my fans, but also dread meeting them’ – life as an autistic elite footballer

Wales’ Euro 2025 squad includes goalkeeper Safia Middleton-Patel. She is sparky, thoughtful, and has an infectious laugh. She also has autism.

Overstimulation has sent her to bed, exhausted, for a week. She may lose months of energy from misunderstood social interactions. She will drive miles past a petrol station to find one with a self-pay pump. And she doesn’t have any connection to her disorder, despite what the experts claim tomatoes are vegetables. Of which more later.

The 20-year-old Manchester United goalkeeper is a very promising footballer, winning the game’s player of the match after a string of excellent saves helped Wales draw 1-1 in Sweden in April.

That was in the Nations League – and now she is heading to Switzerland for July’s European Championship, with Wales drawn in Group D alongside England, France and the Netherlands after qualifying for a major tournament for the first time.

If chosen, she can anticipate being in the middle of the action as goalkeeper for the tournament’s lowest-ranked team. In that case, Middleton-Patel will turn to her proven, and possibly novel, method of interpretation.

“I kind of visualise the next pass as like the perfect Lego brick I’m missing in my set”, she explains.

“I’m looking for it and finding the right people.”

” People probably don’t think about Lego when they’re playing football, but I’m looking for that brick to be ready. You can always use a different color pass if the move changes, just like you can with a different color pass.

Among the many aspects of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) – which can include difficulties with social interaction, sensory issues, and the need for routine and structure – hyperfocus is the characteristic many neurodivergent sportspeople single out as playing a large role in their careers.

Middleton-Patel claims that when I’m playing, I’m hyperfocused. When I am on the training ground or playing a game I don’t hear anything – it’s just the ball and myself.

“I probably hear my own heartbeat more frequently than anything else.”

That laser-like focus, and the quietening of the mind, is a welcome change for Middleton-Patel, who admits she can find occasions most people would find normal to be overwhelming – both when she is around the game, or in life in general.

“Oooh, if I’m sitting on a bench, in the crowd, or watching football on the TV, I’m doing that.” I hear all the fans, I hear all the cheers, I hear all the clapping”, she says.

Why are you drinking so loudly if someone is sat next to me while I’m drinking? Can you stop? ‘” She acknowledges the humor in the situation and adds with a smile.

“Sometimes I will sit on the bench and I’ll have my hands over my ears and I get dirty looks from the fans because they are like, ‘ are you a child? ‘

No, I’m attempting to concentrate.

When Manchester United put out clackers for fans at an FA Cup game, she found the noise the crowd made unbearable, leading to her stimming – finger drumming is a big one for her – to try to prevent herself becoming overwhelmed.

I’m sat there with my hands on my ears, rocking, because I couldn’t control my emotions, and by the end of it, I needed to take some time for myself, she says.

” I love the fans and I want to speak to the fans, but I need to get inside and that’s where it’s hard because you’ll get some messages online being like, ‘ my daughter was there for you and you didn’t say hi’.

“I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to go inside and just sit in a quiet room for two minutes because my mental health is important to me.” Otherwise the rest of the week will be sabotaged because of that”.

She claims that finding a balance is essential.

“I love my fans, but I also dread meeting them because of ‘ the front ‘ I fear I have to put on, because if I give them one weird look or one dirty look when my face is so straight and it’s unintentional, they take it the wrong way”, she adds.

You want to say, “I’m really sorry, but there are too many thoughts going on,” you ask. I wasn’t looking and staring at you blankly and not being excited because you’re wasting my time. I’m so excited to meet you, but I’m also nervous about this interaction.

And while she firmly believes people should not be ashamed of openly stimming, it can still make her feel self-conscious when people notice, only increasing her discomfort.

When I’m rocking in the stadium and the fans are present [and one might be gazing at you], it makes you feel so self-conscious because I’m like, “Please straighten up on the chair, breathe in properly, am I looking in the right place”? OK, do I look the part? ‘

These issues with social interaction have affected her relationships with coaches at previous clubs.

She goes on to say, “I actually got into a lot of trouble because of it.”

” When you’re having catch-ups with the coaches and sitting there and I’m not looking them in the eye and I’m looking at the chair next to me and they go, ‘ what are you looking at? Do you have a look there? Look at me’.

Because you don’t have the, you know, “what are they thinking? “, you can’t help but be more focused when I’m staring at something that doesn’t move and doesn’t have any feelings. in your head.

People say, “That’s rude,” but they go. But I’m trying to put more focus in and I’m trying to actually be better. “

Middleton-Patel claims she has had her first “totalement shut down” as a result of becoming overwhelmed at school in year nine before being diagnosed as autistic at age 18 and always felt different.

Things came to a head in February 2023. She made her Championship debut at Coventry while she was out on loan, and she made her Wales debut three days later.

” I had about a week of media after, and then I hit a brick wall, “she says”. I was unable to do anything. I couldn’t speak to my mum. I spent the majority of the day in bed, but I couldn’t eat or do anything, and I was like, “You need to seek help.”

When Middleton-Patel becomes overwhelmed the experience is both mental and physical”, like someone has just put a weighted blanket on me but not in a nice way – it’s like I get trapped and I can’t leave it”.

She continues, “Then I’m tired.” Constantly. My emotions are unmatched. I can’t control my temperature regulation – I get too hot or I’m too cold.

I have so many thoughts that I can’t seem to express myself. And when someone goes ‘ you OK? ‘ and I don’t know, and when they say, “Come on, you know how you feel,” I can’t explain it because I can’t get a thought to go through my head, and I believe it’s difficult for people to comprehend.

Middleton-Patel feels “very fortunate” she was diagnosed with the help of Manchester United, and she says the club continue to be a major support.

They are “absolutely understanding.” And if they don’t understand, they will always pull me for a chat. They won’t ever have a chance to ask, “Why I’ve said this, why I’ve said it that way.” They want to understand me more than anyone else”, she says.

By opening up about her neurodivergence, she hopes that people and organizations will understand more about what it’s like to be autistic. She believes that some people aren’t trying to be difficult because of how different their worldviews are.

“People always go ‘ you don’t look autistic’. But has autism ever looked at?” she says.

“This is me, this is how my brain functions, and this is who I will be,” my brain yells.

” I know what it’s like to be dropped from a club because they say you’re too argumentative and you’re too difficult and we can’t handle you. I’m not trying to be difficult.

What others saw as her being difficult was actually her trying to understand in detail what was required.

They simply thought, “Well, we’ve told you, why don’t you understand like everyone else? ” Because I’m not everyone else. My brain differs from that of everyone else.

The brains of autistic people are wired differently to those of the majority of people, and while the disorder is called a spectrum to illustrate the different characteristics and severity among individuals, Middleton-Patel prefers a different way of describing it as she finds that too limiting.

Because I’m like, “Well, where do things go on it,” I enjoy the color wheel concept and the visualization. You know, it’s just one straight line’, “she says.

However, the color wheel considers everything that you have ever known, from social interactions to anxiety to tactile sensations.

“So I think for me it’s easier to visualise on days where I’m struggling because in my head I’ll go, ‘ today socially is through the roof’. When you say you know you’re struggling that way, I’d be like, “Well, I don’t know,” instead.

Middleton-Patel, who is a goalkeeper, has green fingers, which are her favorites, and tomato plants.

However, she can only eat small cherry tomatoes because she finds the big ones, with their slimy, jelly-like interior, repulsive – something plenty of neurodivergent people will agree with. When hers are fully mature, she enjoys giving them to family and workmates.

Asked where she stands on the debate about them being a fruit or a vegetable, she has no doubt, having researched the matter”. Oh my goodness! “she says, with the excitement of a true tomato enthusiast.

“I get both of the veg, but where I put it in my garden, in my small home allotment, is with the vegetable.” I think it’s a veg, but scientists might say otherwise. “

The breadth and breadth of sensory issues that may be a part of neurodivergence are one aspect that is still unappreciated.

Middleton-Patel struggles with sunlight – she is not alone in finding grey skies are, somehow, even brighter and more painful than clear blue, sunny ones – to the extent she often has to wear sunglasses in the gym because the windows are so big.

Additionally, cutlery is available that is the size of “normal” forks, which she claims gives the impression that people are eating with a garden spade.

” I have my own set of forks in our lunch room, “she says”. I use them because they are officially “children’s cutlery.” I use them at home too. The appearance of a, if you want to say “normal,” fork makes me very angry because I have tactile and weight issues. I can’t explain the feeling but I want to throw it out of the window. “

There is one tight-knit band she is particularly close to, her fellow “Legolah Club” teammates Jess Simpson, Leah Galton, and Rachel Williams, despite her emphasis on how supportive both her team-mates and the club are.

” We all bounce off each other, but they also know when I just need a hand on the leg to be like: ‘ Calm down. You can breathe. You’re fine. You’re safe here, she declares.

” I don’t know how they do it, but when I can’t get my words out, they know what I’m trying to say. They will address me, which is significant for me because sometimes I’ll be sat in a meeting and remain silent.

“People are looking at me and I’ll stare at the floor, and they’ll be there: ‘ She’s trying to say this. We just had a discussion about it, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they’re just perfect. They comprehend my situation. They don’t want me to fake anything, they just want me to be me. It’s really that easy.

If only life itself were that simple, for activities many people undertake with barely a second thought – shopping for example – can lead to her taking fairly unusual measures.

She already finds it difficult to find items to wear because of her issues with texture, but the entire process is very stressful, and she now does almost all of her online shopping as a result.

“One thing I think people don’t consider is the anxiety side”, she says.

“Can I help you when clothes shop assistants approach me?” Er, no. Do you intend to assist? Am I meant to say yes? No, I’m fine. But then I say it so bluntly they’re like ‘ Okaaay… ‘ And I’m like ‘ oh no, I didn’t mean it like that’.

When I go to a “pay at pump” station for gasoline, I find this funny, and I wish I could get past it. I will drive an extra 15 minutes just to avoid going into a till one because of the fear of that conversation and not knowing what they’re going to say.

Because I know what I’m looking for, Lego is the only place I can visit. I can actually make conversation because they love Lego as much as I love Lego, but that’s literally the only store”.