Dear Coleen
My husband and I split up a few months ago and we’re living separately. There was no one else involved, but I was the one who pushed for it. I’m in my late 40s and after raising kids for 20 years, the marriage was over for me. We’d drifted apart and while my ex was content to keep limping on, I wanted more for myself and more out of life.
I’m quite a driven personality, while he’s always been content to let life happen. Without the distraction of caring for young kids, it became very clear to me that we had nothing in common any more. My problem is, I’ve had a lot of grief over the divorce from close friends, who’ve judged me over my decision. They’ve clearly sided with my ex and frozen me out socially.
Our youngest child is 14 and she decided to live with her dad, so her schooling wouldn’t be disrupted, and she stays with me at weekends. One of my closest friends called me selfish and said she couldn’t understand why I’d do this to my family at such a crucial time in my daughter’s schooling. This makes me angry – I never asked for these opinions and why should I justify myself?
They’ve made me feel like a bad mum and an evil ex-wife. What can I do to get rid of my anger and move on?
Coleen says
People are very quick to judge aren’t they? I think if there’s no one else involved in a break-up, sometimes they don’t get it. If it’s because of an affair, it’s cut and dried – there is an obvious reason people can get their heads around.
You know you didn’t make your decision on a whim or because you were selfish. I can relate because it’s very similar to what happened to me and my second husband, Ray. We’d had brilliant times together and a good marriage for years, but I realised the glue that held it together was our daughter Ciara.
She was our passion and we were so involved in her life, but when she got older and became more independent, and needed us less, it was a wake-up call. We had nothing to talk about and it became apparent we didn’t share the same interests. I was in my 50s by then, but I didn’t want to “settle” and remain in a situation where we were living separate lives. What’s the point? It’s like living with a lodger.
You’ve made the right decision for you. You can explain to certain people if you want to, but you don’t owe anyone an explanation. I think you’ve been brilliant with your daughter – you’ve respected her wishes and not taken her away from her friends. That’s good parenting.
Use your anger positively to drive you forward and work through it in counselling. If friends have frozen you out, maybe they feel uncomfortable because you made them question their own relationships.
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