With the release of her powerful new memoir Best Foot Forward, Shirley Ballas bravely opens up about the dark times she went through while going through the menopause.
TV star Shirley Ballas has bravely opened up for the first time about having suicidal thoughts while battling depression. The 64-year-old admitted that she found herself “heading down the same route” as her brother David, who tragically took his own life in 2003, aged 44.
She states in her new book, Best Foot Forward, that she was depressed, anxious, and desolate. I believed the plot was going to end. While I detest using the word suicidal, I had these terrible thoughts in my head when I was at my darkest.
“I could never have gone through with it because I wouldn’t want my mother to suffer the agony of losing a second child to suicide, but there were certainly times when I thought I’d be better off dead because the way I was living felt so hideous.” Shirley said that her mental health suffered while going through the menopause in her 50s and likened it to “plummeting into a black hole you can’t climb up from.”
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You’re trying and fighting to scramble your way up, but never quite succeeding before falling back down again, she continued.
The Strictly Come Dancing judge used booze to try and numb the pain. She writes: “I’d been trying to manage the ‘situation’ myself with antidepressants, sleeping tablets, more medication to wake myself up and, I have to say this, alcohol.
I’d always preferred to sip wine with friends, but that was as far as it had gone. I’ve never been a boozer or someone who had a mild tip. My mother was a party girl in her day, and she still enjoys dry ginger and whisky.
“I was drinking, though. At the end of a busy day, I assumed it would give me a break from anxiety, so I turned to it. However, it actually made things worse.
I was aware that it was posing a problem. I was secretly avoiding my family and those who were close to me because I had grown dependent on that evening bottle of red. Her family initially didn’t understand what she was going through. No one was aware of what was happening, despite the fact that they had no idea how challenging I was finding life.
“It was my son who realised first. ‘OK, Mum,’ he said, ‘let’s talk about where we can get you some help.” Shirley went to see a doctor in California and says how she cried as she relayed her symptoms to him.
She writes, “I told him about the unbearable physical symptoms, the drinking, the mood swings, and how some days were so horrendous that I didn’t want to live.” He patiently waited for me while my cheeks began to cry before gently explaining to me that this was all about my hormones. That was the first time I had that as a possible cause in mind. Bioidentical hormone replacement therapy, which her doctor suggested, involves injecting a rice-sized pellet containing oestrogen and testosterone into the bloodstream over a three to six-month period.
“The change took a few weeks, but over time I noticed a shift and started to feel like my old self again,” she says. Shirley was at the mercy of her brother David at this time. She writes, “It dawned on me that I’d experienced similar feelings intermittently since I was a young girl as I investigated the matter and spoke with my mother about the issues that my brother had faced throughout his life until he passed away.
“The difference between me and David was that I’d been able to cope a bit better with various situations. I had to appear strong, keep going, get to work, travel the world and raise a family. I never had the chance to sit down and reflect on what was going on inside my head because in my industry you keep moving until you pop your clogs.”
Shirley describes how, even now, she occasionally struggles, particularly with anxiety. But she is aware of the unpleasant circumstances that lie ahead thanks to counseling and coping techniques like meditation.
She states, “Even now, when I have days where there is emptiness behind the eyes, I struggle to share that with anyone. I’m just getting through the day, hoping to feel more upbeat when I wake up.
Because history demonstrates this, I always believe that the darkness will pass and things will improve.
Nothing will change, despite what I’ve learned over the past 20 years of counseling, aside from the fact that you can talk about it until you’re blue in the face and don’t want to unclip the baggage. My chest tightens, my heart beats, and my body turns from cold to warm to raging hot, and I know I’ll have anxiety until the end of my days.
Shirley says in the book, “I would advise every woman, please don’t suffer in silence. ” She discusses her decision to go public with her struggles. I wish I had asked for assistance sooner and stressed how crucial it is to check your hormones.
- BBC Books will release Shirley Ballas’ Best Foot Forward on September 11 for £22.
