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In 2014, I was teaching English to undergraduate freshers at a university in Massachusetts. A student in class, behind on his work, grew angry with a new assignment we were working on. He picked up a chair and threw it past an aisle of students and across the room.

He then sat down as if nothing had happened. The chair did not strike anyone, but several students had to duck their heads. As someone who struggles with (post-traumatic stress disorder) PTSD and dissociation as a result of childhood abuse and domestic violence, I found myself frozen in front of my classroom, momentarily flashing back to previous violent incidents with a former partner.

I recalled this scene with my former student when I recently rewatched the four-part series Adolescence on Netflix. The series explores the consequences that befall a 13-year-old boy, his family, and community after he kills a female student who has bullied him online. As the police question Jamie, the main character, he continually denies his involvement. Eventually, a video of the murder is shown with Jamie stabbing the teenage girl.

To me, the fact that a boy could kill a girl and convince himself that he had done nothing wrong points to a major societal failure. Boys are taught that acting on anger is acceptable. We have normalised it.

When I was 25, I had been dating a man for several months. A friend of his was visiting and asked me if I was ready to go on an outdoor adventure with the two of them. In the spirit of the day, I said, “I was born ready.” My boyfriend misinterpreted this as a sexual innuendo and immediately slapped me hard across the face. No one said a word, and the day proceeded as if nothing had happened. My boyfriend’s friend never reached out to me after the incident. He never did or said anything that suggested that he thought the violence was unwarranted. That taught me that the violence was normal, acceptable behaviour.

My student’s behaviour frightened me to the point that afterwards, I did not feel confident that I could keep the other 20 class students safe in his presence. I approached my supervisors, who suggested I contact both campus security and our on-campus learning disabilities centre, which offered services for students with physical or cognitive issues.

I had expected campus security to have a conversation with the student and to document the chair event, so a paper trail could exist should further acts or threats of violence continue.

Instead, campus police said no one had been hurt, so there was no incident to report. The learning disabilities centre could tell me that the student was in their programme, but that they could not share any information with me about the student or how best to handle him.

Addressing these issues in young boys is critical to preventing serious violence in their behaviour when they grow older. We are failing our children and stand at a crossroads with increased violence in boys and young men that will only escalate if viable solutions are not found. My abusive former partner did not have a healthy male role model as he grew up. According to my abuser and his mother, he was not taught to curb his temper or monitor his anger.

I believe that awareness must begin with parents and at an early age.

Frustration and anger must be recognised, named and confronted. If young people can be taught to identify the actions that trigger their defensive or even uncontrollable responses, escalation can be prevented. When parents can acknowledge the child’s behaviour and point it out, solutions and alternatives to acting out can be offered.

“Time out” at home and school should not be used as a punishment but as an opportunity to step back, take a breath, and re-evaluate the situation. The process must be repeated and reinforced to become a new pattern of response. Encouraging boys to identify and express their feelings, whether they be anger, sadness, or frustration, can be a huge step forward in teaching them to become aware of those feelings, rather than just acting on them.

Once children enter school, discussions regarding feelings and appropriate actions must become a regular part of class instruction. A new definition of “time out” can offer students a practice in self-care, a healthy alternative to acting out anger. A time out in a school therapist’s office or with a guidance counsellor, or other trained staff, can become a safe place to calm down and discuss alternative responses to acting on anger.

In classroom instruction, role-play situations can help students learn and practise alternative responses to anger and aggression when they are confronted with upsetting stimuli. This type of practice and reinforcement can become a new automatic response if children are given sufficient feedback and opportunity in both home and school situations. Teaching issues of mental health in classrooms beginning at an early age can help destigmatise emotions of shame, isolation and powerlessness.

Embarrassment and shame can be significant triggers for both boys and girls, and in Adolescence, did in fact lead Jamie to fatally stab the girl who bullied him online. Shame and anger are normal human responses to certain situations, but addressing these feelings from a very young age can assist children in learning healthy and safe ways of coping rather than lashing out against others. My abuser was also experiencing shame when he assumed my response to his friend was sexual.

As a society, we teach boys and men that anger is acceptable. TV commercials and movies portray men as both physically and mentally strong to the point where any expression of vulnerability makes them weak and inferior.

It is time we teach boys and men that they are stronger, not weaker, when they are aware of and comfortable with their emotions.

Until men and boys can identify and switch emotional gears instead of acting on anger, we will never be able to create a society where all human beings — boys and men, girls and women — are able to interact with mutual respect and safety.