Booze, beach, beaten – how England lost the Ashes

Hasn’t it been a shocker, really?

Due to the rapid nature of England’s latest humiliation down under, and the fact that this was supposed to be an opportunity to reclaim the Ashes from a weakened Australia, it will be remembered as their worst in recent memory.

Hindsight makes experts of us all, but the failings of this tour began long ago.

Zak Crawley suffered an injury in the summer of 2024, so it was a missed opportunity to hire Dan Lawrence to do a job he is not qualified to do. Since then, Lawrence has not been seen.

If Jordan Cox’s broken thumb in New Zealand 12 months ago was unfortunate – Cox could have been a badly needed reserve keeper in Australia – then the decision to send Mark Wood to the Champions Trophy proved immeasurably costly.

England lost their fastest bowler in a competition they were never going to win because they desperately needed pace on this tour.

There was no confirmation of England’s fast-bowling coach’s identity up until the very last minute, and assistant coach Paul Collingwood vanished at the beginning of the summer. He has not been replaced.

Chris Woakes ‘ dislocated shoulder effectively ruled him out of the Ashes, but there were still two other players in England’s squad for the last Test against India that did not make it to Australia: Jamie Overton and Liam Dawson.

After squandering a spot at The Oval to play red-ball cricket for Matthew Potts, Matthew Fisher, or Sam Cook, Overton decided to leave. For Shoaib Bashir, whose form was an accident waiting to happen, Dawson or any other frontline spinner would have provided pragmatic cover in Australia.

Even the announcement of the Ashes squad was an anticlimactic foreshadowing of things to come.

The British & Irish Lions released their Australian tour squad in front of 2, 000 fans at the O2 in London, but England hustled their team out on a press release without giving any notice a few hours after the announcement of Dickie Bird’s passing.

When it arrived, Ollie Pope’s 12-month hokey-cokey over him was kept alive as he was relegated to the vice-captain position, giving an encore-unsolved Jacob Bethell debate more fuel.

Despite the criticism of England’s pre-series plans in Australia, a white-ball tour of New Zealand, which had been planned for years, was the unstoppable obstacle to more warm-up games.

Despite England and Wales Cricket Board chairman Richard Thompson claiming the series against the Black Caps was strong Ashes preparation, England lost three of four completed matches, effectively played at the end of the New Zealand winter.

In the end, England received the Ashes warm-up they desired, a cross-squad encounter with the England Lions. However, the opening of negotiations with Cricket Australia over a deal that will improve player preparation for upcoming Ashes tours provides evidence of buyer’s remorse.

If there was an offer of a match against a state team or Australia A, it was too close to the tour of New Zealand for England to make it work. England insist that they requested a time slot at the Waca only to be informed that the ground was unavailable. It is unclear when England requested the request. The Barmy Army managed to book a game there.

The warm-up match took place at Lilac Hill, which was much slower and less paced than Perth Stadium’s pace and bounce.

Overall, the attitude was relaxed. England team analyst Rupert Lewis donned whites to run the drinks and music played from the dressing rooms throughout the three days. Harrison Brook’s shots showed his disapproval of the exercise.

As part of a rigorous fitness regimen, the Lions’ non-player bowlers were sent on laps of the park, and Wood had to have a scan on his hamstring eight overs into his comeback.

A hint of farce came when the scorecard malfunctioned, showing Wood to be batting despite being in hospital at the time.

The preparation for the first Test was well handled by England. Questions about golf, stumpings, and moral triumphs were thrown away by Josh Tongue and Jamie Smith.

Dominant at lunch on day two in Perth, England lost before stumps on the same day.

Stokes described some tetchy comments made after the Test that were used against the captain as England lost the PR battle. He claimed he was shocked by them.

While housing the squad in a hotel next to a casino was probably a mistake, photographers took them to golf courses and even an aquarium. Some of the group developed a penchant for an Australian brand of takeaway frozen yoghurt.

Due to the differences between the capital and Brisbane, the Lions made the decision to not play their day-night game against a Prime Minister’s XI in Canberra.

However, the tourists were unable to benefit from a week’s worth of radio silence. Former Australia pace bowler Mitchell Johnson accused them of being “arrogant”.

Instead, England chose to spend five days training in Brisbane, a task that later claimed left his side “overprepared” for the second Test.

When Stokes finally ended the media blackout, he clarified the “has-beens” and responded to Johnson by saying England could be called “rubbish” rather than “arrogant.”

As the build-up to the Test continued, Stokes and Pope had to respond to pictures of the captain, Wood and Smith riding escooters without helmets – an offence punishable by a fine under Queensland law.

Root’s long-awaited first hundred against Australia was wasted by his team-mates’ poor field shots, and England missed five catches.

One of the best-planned stops on the tour may have been the beach resort of Noosa, where England claimed their four nights had been scheduled for more than a year.

Some people used it in its intended spirit. Root, for example, had accommodation with his family away from the main drag and was never spotted near a bar. More family members were absent for what was meant to be an Ashes break, which was odd.

Others viewed it as a glorified stag do. Some members of the team followed two days of drinking in Brisbane with four more in Noosa – six in total, as many days as there had been of Test cricket at this point in the tour.

By the side of the road, the England party was not all that obscure; many people were drinking in traditional Akubra hats, which became the holiday’s uniform.

A three-line whip was issued for a kick-off on the beach where England were slammed by local radio DJs and sexied from other vacationers.

Stokes was seen out running, while on another occasion strength and conditioning coach Pete Sim invited the entire group for a run along the coast at 07: 45am. The only players present were Tongue, Bashir, and Smith.

Following a back-and-forth in Brisbane airport, a member of the England security staff was charged with a physical altercation with a cameraman from the TV network Seven at the conclusion of the trip.

By the third Test, England’s messaging had become contradictory. Stokes talked of “enjoying the pressure”, despite actively looking to remove pressure from his team over the previous three years.

Stokes acknowledged there had been “raw” conversations about cricket in Noosa, Brook claimed. Later, Crawley would assert that she had no knowledge of the “weak men” comments.

Perhaps aware fielding had let them down, England engaged in some rare fielding drills.

England skipped Bashir at a Adelaide ground known for helping spinners, which was prompted by the need for Will Jacks’ batting at number eight. Bashir’s assistant coach Jeetan Patel resisted becoming “unselectable.”

After putting so much emphasis on high pace, England were left with part-time spinner Jacks bowling more overs than anyone else in the match.

England maintained its natural semblance. McCullum’s trip to the Adelaide Oval twice featured live broadcasts from outside the team hotel on BBC Radio 5. Patel left a news conference with the words: “Enjoy your evening. I’ll be having a pint because of it.